This is a weird post. I don’t want to argue about anything. I just want to say what’s on my mind. I’m hoping that some parts of my subjective experience will be universalizing. If I could make something out of my current difficulties that could be useful for someone else then that would make it easier to bear.
I hope the world turns around quickly. There’s been a lot of bad news. It’s getting all a little hard to handle.
When I think about how I envisioned life progressing as I went into my twenties– and I can’t say I thought about it in too much explicit detail– I certainly did not imagine that I would be spending the midpoint of it in the middle of a worldwide crisis. An unprecedented one; whatever that means. I also don’t usually consider crises as best dealt with by staying at home on the computer alone.
My partner had to go home to another country. My best friend almost lost his job, and now his future is just as interrupted. Supply chain interruptions kicked in, and now due to lost pharmaceuticals, my mother has some neurological damage. She can’t quite use her hands right.
It’s not like a spiderweb crack in a windshield. It’s not a bump in the road. It’s like an earthquake. All the windshields in the row broke open.
I was reading the theory around The Fourth Turning. Those guys talk about American history. I’ve seen films of hippies celebrating their freedom, and I’ve heard songs about resisting the British. I don’t know if I feel connected to anywhere the way those Americans felt connected to America.
If they’re right then we’re going through the crisis that shakes the old ways down to death. So the new ways and new identities are supposed to emerge after this. I hope they’re good ones.
Someday, it might become obvious how this crisis that we’re going through led into whatever good thing came next. Though I don’t know if anything good will ever come next, I’m trying to put myself into the perspective of myself looking back, because doing that often makes being me now easier.
Worst of all, it’s cold outside. I worry about the climate, but it’s still so cold outside in July.
I remember being young and asking all sorts of questions about why I was alive, and what I should do with my life. All those options seem to have faded away, and it seems like nobody is interested in the topic of why anyone is alive rather than not.
Maybe everyone else got the memo that nothing has a specific point, and I just didn’t notice. I remain curious, for some reason.
I hope I look back on this post in two years or so and go “oh hey, that wasn’t so bad.”